I may have had an intuitive superpower while I was in an abusive relationship. For years I was made to be at fault for things that didn’t even physically happen. I was called names, and belittled every second of every day. I was gaslighted into believing that I was insane. I was guilted into apologizing for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for all because I just wanted to keep the peace. Every day I would wake up and wish that he’d kill me in my sleep because I couldn’t take the abuse anymore, but I also knew that I wasn’t strong enough to kick him out. I also think that it was more that I was just hopeful that he would change.
My days felt like years, my only sanity was when I was at work. Even then he would text me hundreds of times, accusing me of cheating because I was in fact busy at work and couldn’t answer him. Because of that I would get punished and he would then give me the silent treatment. It wasn’t until I would apologize for doing NOTHING wrong and then still have to work for it, just to have a conversation, and even then the conversation would just be more abuse.
So many people asked why didn’t I just leave him? My biggest issue was he was living in my house and there was no way he was going to leave voluntarily, but my gut knew all along that he was up to no good. Everything he was saying I was doing was to deflect that he was actually doing it to me. The cheating, the lies, the porn, the hookers, the stealing. I always looked the other way because I knew if I didn’t have any concrete proof that he would somehow manipulate me into changing what I thought. They are good at that. If you confront them with a thought, they will always turn it back on you by triangulation, and by then you totally forget what you were even thinking.
I was always an independent woman, never depended on anyone. He manipulated into believing I needed him and only him. He convinced me that my son needed him and he wasn’t even his biological father. He convinced me that without him I was nothing. I went from needing no one to having to be driven everywhere. At first I thought it was because he just wanted to spend time with me – wrong. It was all part of his controlling behavior.
He needed to know where I was at all times. He needed to use my car and drop me off so that I couldn’t go anywhere without him. It was his own guilt eating at him for cheating on me. So what they do is control your life, because they see how easy it is to get away with abusing you and betraying you, and they want to make sure that you never find out.
They isolate you from family and friends so that no one can ever tell you what they think. They don’t allow you to talk or text anyone and want to constantly check your email and social media. I had nothing to hide and always told him he was free to look. He said he never did, but he didn’t know that when he thought I was sleeping, he would take my phone and go through it. The times I did try to access his phone the password was always changed and if I ever brought it up, it was “you don’t trust me.” They confuse the whole subject, then get mad at you and walk away. That is called stonewalling.
I knew in my gut he wasn’t good for me, I knew I needed to find a way out but I also knew that he was never going to let me go without solid proof. He was leaving the house in the middle of the night and always had excuses about why he was late, always saying he was working late, and then refusing to show me his paycheck. Withholding money from me for spite, but luckily for myself I was always financially independent and didn’t need his money.
When I finally got into his phone and got the concrete proof I needed is when I had the balls to kick him out. Even almost 2 years later, he still abused me through the internet, trying to destroy my life all because HE fucked up. Abusers like this can never admit any guilt and never believe they did wrong even with solid concrete proof in their face.
So he tried to slander me and embarrass me and made lies all over the internet about me. A year ago I wanted to die until I spoke out and became a voice for so many women across the world. I saved others and stood up for myself even with the consequences of him retaliating. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to allow him to destroy my life. For all the bullshit online about me that he created, I learned to not give a fuck. People will believe what they want and the ones who know the truth are all I need. He wanted me so badly to be damaged and live miserably, well guess what, I am not damaged, I am not even broken anymore.
I am alive and happy. I have women telling me I inspire them and knowing that there are people who look up to me is something that I can’t explain. I’ve helped so many without even knowing that is why I decided to BREAK THE SILENCE.