Hello, I am sharing my story in hopes that it may help someone else that's had to deal w/a form of sexual/domestic abuse.
I was married to My Husband for a little over 8 years. A whirlwind romance...reconnected, fell in love, moved in together and got married within 4 months. We originally met when I was 12 years old. He was My 1st Boyfriend, 1st Boy to ever kiss me, etc. So, I had known him most of my life when we started seeing each other.
Our marriage had been plagued by various forms of domestic abuse beginning about 6 months in. I can't say much except that I loved him! I just dealt with it, as Most do! I NEVER thought it was possible to progress into worse, really NEVER, EVER!!!
We celebrated Our 8th Anniversary on April 20th. Had an amazing day, got along, laughed, felt in love!
He had started saying some different things during sex about a year before this. I'd expressed my issues with it, told him it bothered me, etc. He ALWAYS would say, "It's just bedroom talk! I don't really mean it!”
On April 22nd, 2 days after Our Anniversary, The Biggest Nightmare of my life began. We'd invited some friends over for a get together. Of course, we drank alcohol. I thought nothing of it, as we'd drank together many times when friends were over. Everybody left the party and only My Husband's Best Friend was still there. They'd said he'd drank too much & was just going to stay the night. He'd done that several times before, so it wasn't out of place!
We all agreed to have one more drink to top off the night. My Husband is the one who made my drink, which he'd done many times, so I thought nothing of it!!!
After not being able to finish the drink, I noticed I was feeling weird. I chalked it up to having too much to drink. The last thing I remember was saying I needed to lay down and falling over on the couch. When I came to, My Husband was sitting beside me masturbating, watching His Best Friend perform oral sex on me!!! I freaked out and they stopped. My Husband took me to bed & I passed out. I woke up the next day, asking him about what happened the night before. He denied it until I remembered so many bits & pieces that he had no choice but to admit to it! Told me he would never do that again. REALLY??? Wow! How kind of him, right?
This DEVASTATED My Soul, broke My Heart, Tore My Mind apart, & I wanted answers! Why? What made you do this? How could you do this to me? Ya know, all of the things a wife that had just been violated in an act caused by her husband. Of course, I got no answers, was told that I was overreacting, making it a bigger thing than it was, & acting Crazy!
I went to My Doctor, 2 days after this happened. He performed blood tests and told me I had been given a drug similar to Rohypnol. I'm on several medications b/c I have Lupus. My Dr advised me that my high resistance, combined with me not being able to finish the drink, is the reason I came to during this. My Husband & His Best Friend didn't factor this into their plan! My Dr told me that I should report it, but it's Your Husband! It's hard for a person that's been a victim of abuse to tell anyone, & especially something as awful as what happened!
I tried living with it, couldn't get it out of my mind! I felt betrayed, disgusting, ugly, lost all trust in everything. I mean, I was dealing with all the emotions of not only a victim of sexual abuse, but domestic abuse as well.
This is what eventually would end Our Marriage! He refused to acknowledge my pain, the domestic abuse escalated to a level it hadn't been before.
It wasn't until he choose to leave (b/c he was cheating on me w/a girl at his job) that I decided to get help. I was so scared just to tell anyone, embarrassed that I stayed, felt like a shameful nasty person. As I started going thru my therapy, I began to process the emotions! Slowly, I was learning how to live again!
And that's what I'll say...You have good days and bad days! You'll feel like you have a hold on it, but a trigger will cause it to pop up in your head again! You try to remind yourself that you are not all of those things, that you are a good person, & that what happened to you wasn't your fault! You may find yourself doubting everything you once believed in.
my advice, please try to talk to someone!!! It's so hard & I know that, but it doesn't have to be a conventional therapist. There's so much help out there for us! We just have to find the strength to take it! I myself, had only told a few. I wouldn't even consider that I needed help! Then, God introduced me to a lady in the Christian Ministry that just so happened to council women who are victims of domestic/sexual abuse. You see, I'd prayed for a miracle since that night! She was amazing and made me feel comfortable, but still, I could only reveal what happened in pieces! It was almost a month before she knew the whole story. She taught me that my mind had been reprogrammed throughout the abuse, so we had to "uninstall" all of those useless apps! We laughed, cried, & prayed together. She convinced me that what happened to me, didn't have to define me!
I won't lie, the path isn't easy, and it’s full of roadblocks & detours! But keeping it bottled up inside will eventually destroy you! Take The Path, Go through the hardest things, & work towards the other side! You ARE Beautiful, Amazing, Kind, & Great Person!!!
Thank You for letting me share My Story!
B. Carlock