I am a 20 year old lesbian woman. My story is unique in the way that I was sexually abused by a woman, whom I was in a relationship with.
In the beginning it was fun. It was summer and we both had ample time to lay around all day, exploring each other. We were new and fresh to one another, which led to lots and lots of sex. Then school began, new jobs were acquired and with that came stress and fatigue. Multiple times a day became once a day or maybe once every few days. I’ve never been one that was obsessed with sex. For me it’s always been an added bonus, the person I’m with and their hearts matter the most. So for me, this change in our sex lives was not a big deal.
She took it as me becoming uninterested. She would constantly ask me why I didn’t want to have sex, and get mad when I would say that I quite simply was just tired. Soon, it started coming up in conversation daily or multiple times a day. She would tell me “I’m happier after I have sex” “I don’t think this will work if I can’t have sex whenever I want it” and I would see a noticeable difference in the way she treated me if I never denied her. Soon I began to feel uncomfortable with the way she viewed sex with me. It turned me off from her completely, and whenever I spoke to her about it, she turned it around on me claiming I was just uptight and lost feelings for her.
I tried several times to tell her that how obsessed she was with sex made me uncomfortable.
At first, I would perform sexual acts on her because I felt like I had to in order to make her happy. Putting my own comfort aside to please her when she KNEW how uncomfortable I was. After it became too much for me to even do that, she then began taking as she pleased. Not even caring if I reciprocated.
I can very specifically remember getting ready for a night out with half of my makeup done. She decided she wanted to have sex right then and there. After repeatedly telling her no, she started getting angry. Forcing me onto the bed, where I cried as she assaulted me. I can’t tell you how many times I cried while having sex with her.
No, I never said stop or get off, but I trusted her as a partner to know when enough is enough. To respect my fatigue after a 12 hour shift at the nursing home, or an 8 hour shift on my feet waiting tables. You expect your significant other to be able to read your body language. You expect them to respect you.
To this day I will never understand how someone could just take and take and take. It took me almost an entire year to be able to speak about what happened to me. It was almost 6 months into my current relationship before I could tell my girlfriend why I sometimes panicked before, during, or after sex. But she has helped me more than I could ever dream, and is so loving and understanding.
I just want everyone to know that you CAN be sexually assaulted by your own partner. Love makes you do crazy things. I never in a million years thought I would let someone treat me and hurt me the way she did. Your stories are valid and your feelings are valid and you are NOT alone.
Anonymous