In January of 2017 I met a guy online. He was super sweet, easy to talk to, and helped me with some problems I was facing at the time. He made me feel like someone actually cared about me. I don't trust people much but somehow he made me trust him which was mistake number one.
In February he asked me on a date. I remember being excited but nervous because it was my first date. I got a funny feeling in my gut about it but summed it up to "butterfly's", mistake two. Day of the date I told my parents I was going to a friend’s house because I knew they would freak out big time. When we were eating I noticed he was super cocky and was really rude to the waitress and people around us. I didn't like the feeling I was getting from him anymore and I wanted to leave.
When we walked out he told me he wanted a blowjob. I said no I didn't want to and I had to leave. I made excuse after excuse to get away when he kept insisting. He got pissed off and told me that if I didn't get in his car and do what he wanted he would put me in there himself and take me somewhere to have his way with me. He was a big threatening guy and in that moment it was like I forgot everything I have been taught to do in situations like this. I was scared and wanted to cry but I couldn't. I didn't want to show him that I was weak and give him more power over me. I knew I couldn't fight back and no one was around to help me so I did it. I wanted it over as fast as possible so I could get away.
I cried myself to sleep every night after that. I never talked to anyone about it for a while because in my head I was telling myself that other people have gone through worse and that I set myself up for it. I should have fought to get away. I should have just tried harder. The whole experience tore me apart. I didn't want to eat, I slept all the time, didn't talk as much.
In July I finally got the courage to talk to a friend about it. She has been sexually assaulted to I figured she would be the best person to talk to. She helped me a lot and cried with me. I've gotten a lot better but it still messed me up. I don't make eye contact with people, I flinch when guys get to close to me, physical contact is a no go for me and I have had full blown panic attacks if I see someone who resembles the guy even the slightest.
When I found out this guy had a daughter was the worst part for me though. How would he react if some guy did the same thing he did to his daughter? Has he hurt his daughter like this? How does he treat her? The questions are endless for me and I feel scared for that little girl.
I've learned a lot after this and if I can use my story to help someone else that would be amazing. Just because something happened to you does not define who you are. You are not worthless or damaged. People will still love you. You did not deserve this and it was not your fault. Talk to someone because it helps a lot more than you think. This will make you stronger in the end I promise! ❤️
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