I was adopted along with my younger sister at age 5. I felt abandoned and heartbroken. I cried for days for my mom and dad to come back for us but they never did.
Shortly after moving into this new home and family, my new “dad" started to abuse me. He told me I was stupid, bad and that no one would ever love me. He sexually abused me day after day, night after night. As I got older it got worse. I would pray to God that each day, please let this be the last day but it never ended. I felt dirty and ashamed. I sacrificed myself to make others happy. He took away my self-worth, my dignity. He murdered my soul. He was a demon, a monster that was making my life a living hell. Most of my childhood was spent pretending to be this happy little girl but deep inside I was dying. Each time he abused me, it became even more devastating and demoralizing. I hated myself.
At 17 I left that home and I thought to myself, I am finally free. However my mind wouldn't allow me to be free. I began to suffer severe depression, anxiety, eating disorder, low self-worth and was diagnosed with CPTSD. I was suicidal. I've battled this for years but finally hit rock bottom in late 2015 and felt that my life wasn't worth living anymore. It would be easier I thought to just end it all than to deal daily with the memories and nightmares. But one night in December 2015 while staring at a pic of my 3 beautiful children on my nightstand, I decided that my life was worth living and that I wasn't going to hide behind this secret anymore. I confronted my “dad" and” mom" and of course at first it was denied until another family member stepped in and got the truth out of them. I now choose to no longer call them my parents or have them in my life.
I have decided that I am worthwhile, that I matter, that I am worthy of being loved and without anyone's permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. My voice matters, my life matters. That little girl inside of me deserves to be honored and respected. I will fight to help her heal. I will no longer tolerate people who put me down, manipulate me or humiliate me. I will surround myself with people who are consistently loving and respectful. As I continue to grow and heal, I pray that I will attract those people who will love me for who I am. I have no need to hide behind myself anymore. I now choose me.
I will end with a quote a friend sent me
“She looked back and marveled how far she had come...
She didn't wonder how she made it ...
She already knew the answer.
Only with God's help had she powered through. For without his strength. She could do nothing ".
Thanks for listening
J. Douglas