I was struggling with my faith so when I got in my first relationship I thought that was God sending me someone who would love me and take care of me and get me back on the right path. For the first couple of months it was so good until he started being very controlling and making sure that I spent all my time with him and no one else. I couldn’t even spend time with my family because he would get mad at me. He would threaten to kill himself if I ever tried to break up with him and since he had a history of hurting himself I truly believed he would. I felt so alone and became so distant from my family and my closest friends. I spent most of my nights crying and planning how I could end things without him hurting himself. After we hit our one year I found out he had been cheating on me and I tried to walk away. I just wasn’t strong at that time. He called and begged me not to leave him because he was really going to do it this time. I talked to his mom but she didn’t believe it and thought I was bad for her son because I was making him depressed. After that he started getting worse and started hitting me and putting me down about everything. I cried and cried all the time and became such an angry unhappy person and of course everyone always asked “why are you a still with him?” I would of course respond with the infamous line, “Because I love him” which at one point I really did love him. He was my first everything. I thought it was special what we had and thought maybe one day his depression won’t be so bad and we can be happy. That day never came. One night he wasn’t himself and I was trying to leave because he was making me feel uncomfortable and I could tell he was going to start hitting again. He had to be the one to take me home though and it was already really late so I knew my parents would be so mad at me if I called them saying I was still out. I tried getting up and he pinned me down and it was almost like the boy I thought I loved completely disappeared and some dark person came out. His grasp on my wrists got tighter and the next thing I know he slaps me across my face and then spits in my face. At this point I’m crying and yelling for him to get off but no one could hear me no matter how loud I thought I yelled. It felt as if I wasn’t even yelling at all because no one was coming and no one could save me. I fought and fought but I couldn’t get him off of me. I just laid there and felt the fight just leave my body. That night he took any last bit of self-love or happiness I had. I felt dirty and weak, embarrassed to be around my family and friends because if they only knew how weak I really was. How the person I thought loved me so much could hurt me like that? And act like nothing ever happened. It took a long time to see how wrong I was. Because it wasn’t true. I wasn’t weak, I was strong. My family would never think that of me because they love me and know how strong I really am. I lost myself for a little while, scared of dating or ever opening up to anyone again. But I refuse to let him ruin me. I am not a victim but a survivor. I grow stronger and stronger every day and become more in love with myself. I learn new things about me constantly and I see the world with so much light. My dark days are behind me and I hope that anyone who can relate to my story know how amazing they are for surviving. I’m
Sorry for anyone who ever had to go through something like that from someone they thought they loved and that loved them. But I promise that’s not love. One day it’ll come and it’ll be something you’ve never experienced before. Embrace yourself first. Love yourself. For you are a Force to be reckoned with.
Anonymous